refrigerator

Who would have ever thought that the hum of a refrigerator could be soothing?

After another long day of screaming, the children finally doze off to la-la land and nothing, silence, except the hum of the refrigerator. I sigh in relief, my body slowly decompresses, one inch at a time. I pray softly. Asking for forgiveness for the times I lost my temper, the times I got frustrated, the time I didn’t think that it could possibly be yet another dirty diaper and they were just fussing, only to find out differently. Wishing I could take back any unpleasant moments and shower them with the utter love and devotion I feel for them. Listening to the gentle purr of a slightly stuffed nose, a soft murmur of an unknown dream, an arching of the back to stretch in their sleep. My babies.

We often think that the day will go completely different than it does. We wake up thinking ‘this will be the day that I can finally be the perfect parent!’ and then life steps in. The coffee spills, the cereal spills, you forgot a load of laundry in the washer for too long, the dog needs out, but mommy I’m hungry, I want my show, I want milk, I want cookies for breakfast, but mommy! And so begins the downward spiral. It takes five times as long to do the dishes because the baby keeps spitting out the pacifier that they seem to want, and stop hitting your sister, and don’t sit on the cat, and….

Then the peace finally comes and we reflect. What could I have done differently? What should I have done differently? Why didn’t I get this done, I wanted to do this, I need a vacation, but what about my diet, and exercise! Dang it! I’ll do it tomorrow…but when does tomorrow ever really come?

We keep waiting for tomorrow, but by the time we manage to get even a third of what expectation we mothers place on ourselves, its too late. They have grown up and moved on. It’s baby stuff, and I’m a big girl! I want to do it myself. Text me later…

The expectation has to end! We have to learn that each moment is precious! They will only be this old once, the screaming will end, the whining will end (maybe), and they will be gone. They will remember the good times that are spent together more than how clean the house was. The day in the park is much more important that being able to bounce a quarter off the bed or the ability to eat off the floor. And so the glass is smudged and the rafters can use some dusting, but today we painted! And played! And laughed! And lived!

And the gentle hum of the refrigerator rolls on, lulling me into sleep, tomorrow I will be better, we will make……