Friday, May 6, 2011

Expectations


Isn’t it sad when we learn to expect the worst of someone? We keep hoping that something better will come from them, but no, still the same old stuff. Just enough to keep me second guessing the inevitable. Hmm, is it  really my fault? Just to afraid to take the leap of faith?

Thursday, May 5, 2011

refrigerator


Who would have ever thought that the hum of a refrigerator could be soothing?

After another long day of screaming, the children finally doze off to la-la land and nothing, silence, except the hum of the refrigerator. I sigh in relief, my body slowly decompresses, one inch at a time. I pray softly. Asking for forgiveness for the times I lost my temper, the times I got frustrated, the time I didn’t think that it could possibly be yet another dirty diaper and they were just fussing, only to find out differently. Wishing I could take back any unpleasant moments and shower them with the utter love and devotion I feel for them. Listening to the gentle purr of a slightly stuffed nose, a soft murmur of an unknown dream, an arching of the back to stretch in their sleep. My babies.

We often think that the day will go completely different than it does. We wake up thinking ‘this will be the day that I can finally be the perfect parent!’ and then life steps in. The coffee spills, the cereal spills, you forgot a load of laundry in the washer for too long, the dog needs out, but mommy I’m hungry, I want my show, I want milk, I want cookies for breakfast, but mommy! And so begins the downward spiral. It takes five times as long to do the dishes because the baby keeps spitting out the pacifier that they seem to want, and stop hitting your sister, and don’t sit on the cat, and….

Then the peace finally comes and we reflect. What could I have done differently? What should I have done differently? Why didn’t I get this done, I wanted to do this, I need a vacation, but what about my diet, and exercise! Dang it! I’ll do it tomorrow…but when does tomorrow ever really come?

We keep waiting for tomorrow, but by the time we manage to get even a third of what expectation we mothers place on ourselves, its too late. They have grown up and moved on. It’s baby stuff, and I’m a big girl! I want to do it myself. Text me later…

The expectation has to end! We have to learn that each moment is precious! They will only be this old once, the screaming will end, the whining will end (maybe), and they will be gone. They will remember the good times that are spent together more than how clean the house was. The day in the park is much more important that being able to bounce a quarter off the bed or the ability to eat off the floor. And so the glass is smudged and the rafters can use some dusting, but today we painted! And played! And laughed! And lived!

And the gentle hum of the refrigerator rolls on, lulling me into sleep, tomorrow I will be better, we will make……

This Moment


Heavy, burdening, suffocating weight falls down on my shoulders
Unsatisfied, shrill cries flung aimlessly in my direction
Billowing frustration and rage creeps up inside
Molten lava, green eyed and gawking
Creeping to the brim of escape

SNAP

The monsters hand is slapped
Receding downward, inward, still
Quieted, sleeping, waiting
Stillness sweeps forward

LOCK

Emptiness, a blank slate, a blank stare
Nothing is left for you
No longer allowed to bring the monster out
No longer permitted to bring feeling
You are nothing to me

Dandelion


Peeking through the green around you
Bright and cheerful
Gently yawning to greet the morning
Shining with the kisses of dew
Standing tall to meet the sun
Bowing to the breeze
Happiness on a wand
Blowing away, dancing on the breeze

Waiting….


And yet my heart breaks. I tell myself I won’t wait. The beauty wanes, the world rolls on, and yet I wait. My heart breaks and aches. I wait for the father that should be there. I wait for the husband that should be. And my heart breaks. Where are you? Where is the man that should be in the empty shell of hatred and self-centeredness. I wish you could be more. I wish you could see all that you are missing, and causing us to miss. Your family waits…but for how long? The love that should be, of life, the day, your family, this moment is gone. And yet I wait, but not for long. How long must I make us suffer while you choose not to partake in such a beautiful world around you.

Peace


The morning sun kissed my face and arms while a soft spring breeze gently rustled my hair and the grass. The birds sang and the chickens gently clucked and scratched and I knew all was right in the world.